I have been struggling to be as truly happy as I have been before COVID-19. Prior I had a successful business from the start. I was exploring my sexuality with my wife as well as hers. The pandemic contributed to me losing my business. I would say caused, but we could have kept it going if we chose to even with the debt it was accumulating. We closed it and moved on to new opportunities and moved to a better place for our family.
So with the negative came a positive – a better place for our family. I truly love where we are and can see myself growing old here with my wife.
At the same time, I have been struggling with insecurities. Having a hard time getting my new business to take off. Not being able to contribute financially like I used to. I know it has been hard on my wife too. I have to remind myself it is a new business. In my previous business, I had a large buffer of money from 20 years working in a profession for someone else’s company. This business I have started with an enormous debt owed from Economic Injury Disaster Loans. Thankfully, since it is from the government, I can take my time to pay it off, just like a student loan or a long-term car payment.
I have also been struggling with her having a poly type relationship being in love with another man. I have been supportive and encouraging about this relationship. We spent 2 years in the pandemic only being able to play once. It excited me my wife was getting fucked by another man. It was something we both fantasized about starting back up, and she dressed the part to make it happen. He is not a bull, not into cuckolding. She met him naturally out in the real world, just like her and I met. No dating apps or anything like that. They just hit it off and had a physical and emotional connection.
She has not been completely honest with me. Not being honest about the powerful feelings she had for him from the start. She wasn’t honest when she was falling in love. This may have been her trying to protect herself as much as me. I’m sure it was. Then when I asked her to tell me if she ever texted him, she was in love with him. She didn’t. She kept that love for him to herself and for him.
I slowly started to lose trust in her.
Trust feels safe, comfortable, and secure. I have had all the signs of lack of trust. Anxiously clinging to her, feeling a weight of insecurity and uncertainty. Questioning her actions and feeling she is continuing to hide something from me. I have this urge to snoop through her text, as they have confirmed some of my suspicions.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship.
My insecurities I don’t think only come from this, though. I think the feeling I am not succeeding in my work life. Us being at home working so much and not having the self care and other connections to the world that leaving each morning to go to the office helps with. So I need to work on my happiness.
Little silly things that trigger me like her having a conversation yesterday with her boyfriend after missing 30 minutes we had set aside to spend together during the workday. These things are COVID-19 work at home problems. We are still feeling the effects. I feel when she has time during the day she should come spend it with me. This is a nice thought, but we all need some independence. If I was at the office, this wouldn’t even be a concern.
I was working on this post at a different angle earlier this week. Overcoming shame of my own unique sexuality. I stepped out of the closet dressed for my wife Easter Sunday and it felt great. Much of my sexuality throughout my life has been in the closet. In my mind, they were always skeletons in my closet, something bad and embarrassing that is hidden away. A lot of what I feel my wife is doing with her boyfriend.
What I need to do is write a new story that they are beautiful, fun and unique. They are me.
In my closet is a bi-sexual. A biological male, with a gender that is fluid. I am more than a cross-dresser but my gender dysphoria is mild. I enjoy feminization. I lean more towards sissy than transexual because I love to be sexualized and love super feminine styles. I don’t feel I need to identify. I am bisexual without a doubt. I like men that take what they want sexually and enjoy when that is me. The women I love are strong, sexy and sexual – slutty. My beautiful wife. I am a cuckold and am aroused by my wife fucking other men, and I enjoy the BDSM kinks that are part of it.
These things won’t ever go away. No matter how long I box them up in the closet they will come out.
I guess I don’t know my identity. It is a cocktail of everything I was raised to believe was wrong.
I am just kinky and sex positive.
As I rewrite my sexuality script and try to shed my insecurities, being sex positive makes sense. I just need to let go of the shame.
I like to think I am sex positive but I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I’ve experienced a lot of confusion and fear around my sexuality. Growing up, they taught me that being anything other than heterosexual was wrong. I grew up in a house where a sissy was one of the worst things you could be and at a time in our world where gays were being bashed and them being gay was a good enough reason for it.
I was raised in a very sex negative household. We did not even discuss sex. There was slut shaming, victim-blaming for sexual assault, sex and sexuality being sinful. Heterosexuality and monogamy being the normal and the only natural. I heard regularly negative comments about other people’s bodies, style and identity.
Every Sunday, I had to go to church. Another place that did not accept people like me and I learned to do the things I was carious about would send me to hell.
At the same time, I was in the closet trying on my mom’s nylons when I felt alone and safe. My thoughts towards women were differnet than other boys. You would not hear me say something along the line about how hard I’d fuck that hot slut. I admired women, how they dressed, the sex they could have, their feminity and strength. Yes, also very attracted to them.
I also wondered what it would feel like to touch another boy’s penis. As I got older, I was carious what it would feel like to suck one. How it would feel to be fucked by one. I had these thoughts at the same time as I was dating girls who I was physically and emotionally attracted to.
I grew older. When alone, I tried on women’s clothes I purchased and purged. I snuck away from family and friends to experiment sexually with a man, not a boy. I enjoyed it and felt shame and dirty after, feared I’d be called out as a faggot. Maybe I feared I was a faggot?
I guess I always knew I was different. The script in my head, though, has always been far from positive and more negative. I haven’t been able to accept that it’s okay to be different and embrace who I really am. Thanks to my wife, I am getting there.
It’s not a straightforward process, and being a cuckold can evoke feelings of fear, anxiety, and insecurity. I am trying to figure out why they get triggered.
I’ve spent over 40 years of my life with my entire sexuality in the closet, except the one normal – a face of being straight and monogamous, having a wife I love more than the world and am sexually and emotionally attracted to. We have kids. We are your normal monogamous couple. It is safe, and it works mostly. Aside from the shame and insecurities. The cuckolding, the dressing like a girl, the sucking cocks through glory holes at the adult store.
So sometimes I just want to pause from it all. To take a break. Focus on my family, my wife, my kids and me.
I try to treat negative thoughts as questions, not facts.
The simple reaction is my wife needs to break up with this man and get my trust back.
There are things I like about their relationship. Although it was challenging, it aroused me seeing her go through falling in love with another man. Sexually she gets things from him she can’t from me and I love that. It arouses me she has a boyfriend, and that she fucks and loves another man. It comforts me she has a friend she can talk to.
I don’t like that we can’t take a break. That means ending their relationship. In cuckolding, taking breaks is very easy when things become overwhelming. You can reset and go back to it when the fantasies, the marriage connection, are strong again.
It doesn’t make me happy that my wife wasn’t fully honest with me.
Her boyfriend cheating on his wife is something I don’t like. I don’t like how much he seems emotionally attached to my wife the same way I am.
I love and hate their daily relationship. The texting, the calling. Again, I think this is more of an issue because I am home all day. My self care is exercise but being home, going in and out mentally with work, taking care of the house, and paying attention to what she is doing all day.
It annoys me they have blocks in their work schedule created for them to talk and that was never communicated to me until recently. Maybe I’m just jealous she hasn’t blocked time for me. Of course she doesn’t have to. I live with her.
I don’t love that it is poly without cuckolding. He is not into me seeing them have sex. I have never seen them have sex. I have only heard them and seen a hot picture of her sucking his cock. He has seen us have sex on video, but I enjoy doing that. He does not. I enjoy when we all go out together, when I get to watch them flirt and kiss. When she leaves to go have sex with him, then comes back to me that same night well fucked.
Them having overnight stays together arouses me. It is very hard sleeping alone but is a sacrifice I will make for the overall experience. Them having a weekend together is exciting. I don’t like them planning it out without my input. They want to visit my hometown together and that feels like it is rubbing it in my face and I am not there yet. Then there is a part of me that wants it to be okay that she has a boyfriend. Not to have another thing in my closet. Being open, yes, she is at her male friends for the weekend.
It doesn’t feel good to have a negative feeling of not trusting my wife. I trust her overall. That she loves me and wants to be with me and wants the best for me. That I am her LOML. I just need to trust in their relationship, too. I don’t like how it makes me feel insecure.
What my wife has learned through her relationship with her boyfriend is at this point in her life if we are going to have anything “lifestyle” in our relationship (besides the annual trip to a swingers club, or Palm Springs), a sexual relationship with someone she has a good friendship with is what works best for her.
It is what also works best for me, although what would also work better is if it was more of a three-way relationship. That we shared her together, not separate. That is the cuckolding. So if we continue this relationship with him, she should communicate this. Of course, he doesn’t have to be into it or agree to it. We are probably past that opportunity to make that part of the agreement a boundary. Also prioritizing more opportunities for me to enjoy my sexuality, including cuckolding, maybe that means her having more sexual relationships with other men too.
Like I said normally we would take a brief break then her and I would go have an exciting cuckolding experience together to restart and continue our cuckold marriage.
I want her to get her sexual and emotional needs met. I also think it is important for me to get my needs met too. Some cuckolds and hotwife’s you read opinions from online or in books will disagree with this. They will say cuckolding is all about her needs, not the husbands. That is not correct. You can not have a happy, loving relationship with only one person getting their sexual needs met. Well, I can’t.
I am not ready to set a boundary that she can not love and have a relationship with another man. No matter how hard it feels emotionally on me. I want to find comfort in embracing my unique sexuality, and I want that same thing for my wife and really everyone. A life where everyone sexuality can be out of the closet.
One of the most significant challenges of being in the closet is feeling like you cannot be yourself with those around you. This can create a sense of loneliness. Being able to be who I am with my wife has been so sexually freeing and allowed me to be in the best place sexually than I have ever been. I want her to feel that with me.
Being in the closet can cause anxiety and depression, especially if you are always afraid of being “found out.” Living with this constant fear can be incredibly stressful and sometimes distracting, preventing me from focusing on other aspects of my life.
I don’t want my wife to ever feel this way.
It is hard for me to create sexual boundaries. These things that are triggered in my wife’s relationship are all negative emotions I have felt sexually throughout my whole life.
I just need to keep rewriting the story in my head.
2 thoughts on “Finding Comfort in Embracing Your Unique Sexuality”
Josie, I’m so glad that I can now reply to this email address. I’ve been following you for such a long time and have lived through you in many situations. You have been both an inspiration and a teacher in love and in sadness, happiness and fear. Although I am a humble CD’er with a tolerant but unsupportive wife, I can relate and understand your life as you portray it. I appreciate you struggle with your relationship and your communication skills. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are read by many and that you are contributing to the community. Sheena Sometimes
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs. But I trust dogs who don’t like people.
Lloyd, Thank you for the nice comment and happy you enjoy my story and they help you in your own life.