My wife read me an interesting daily read this morning that has me thinking and working through thoughts I have been having. Has me writing again even though I told myself I would not post again after my last cuckolding is worth it post.
“Sometimes we’re so afraid we don’t know how afraid we are. Sometimes, we carry so much fear that it interferes with our ability to enjoy life. Feel and release your fears. See how needless they are? See how they keep you from enjoying life? Unclench your hands. Don’t always look straight ahead. Experience. Adventure. Let yourself live. You will be fine.” – Journey To The Heart.
I am no expert in moving from cuckolding to poly. At the very most I am a beginner who is learning.
It was not something planned. It is something that has naturally happened by my wife and I having an open relationship for over the last 12 years. It was something neither of us ever discussed. I think both of us being raised in a society and in households where monogamy was taught as the only relationship structure ingrained into us. That type of relationship is the only option.
Both of us are sluts and quickly after marriage knew that we wanted to experience sex with other people. Me being a cuckold and bi-sexual has made this work well for us. My wife does not get turned on about me with other women, and being with other women is not a sexual need for me.
It is a sexual need for my wife to be with other men for both of us. Me being with other men is also a sexual need I have closeted and neglected.
Of course we can stop. We can let those fears interfere with our desires. We know that if we stop though our lives sexually will be less fulfilling.
We practice a hierarchical open relationship style. Both my wife and I believe we are soulmates, each others “love of my life.” I always want this, need this.
My wife wants to feel she is my #1.
I want to feel the same way as my wife’s #1.
I question the point of being married if there is not this, without it I just can’t see the point of marriage.
As my wife has fallen in love with another man, maintaining this hierarchical relationship has caused some issues.
Me feeling I am no longer her number one. Having a monogamy hangover and fear that she will leave me because she has feelings of love for another. That love for another is the same as the love she has for me. I have felt jealousy, sadness and a rollercoaster of emotions. Like cuckolding, fear of what the outside world will think of our relationship.
My wife has tried to protect me by keeping her everyday relationship with her boyfriend more private, to not trigger these emotions and make me feel secure in our relationship. To maintain peace in our relationship. She has done this by only texting him in private, scheduling calls with him when me and the kids are not around. Sharing the details of sex she knows I love but not communicating or sharing the emotions she is feeling.
Here relationship has brought trust issues. Me being anxious and feeling a big weight of uncertainty and insecurity.
I have questioned her actions and felt like she has been hiding something. Even compelled me to snoop and read through her text messages. Invading her and his privacy.
The route of less fear is to just end this emotional relationship she has with this other man.
When I am feeling angry about this relationship, that is what I want. I know, though at this point, that is unfair. It is unfair to her boyfriend. None of my anxiety is directly towards him as a person. He treats my wife great and has been a good person to her and I. It is unfair to my wife to force sadness of a broken up relationship with someone she loves to protect my own fears.
This type of relationship is unorthodox. My fetishes and my sexuality are too. That alone brings a level of fear that needs to be overcome.
I’d say what I am learning from moving from cuckolding to this poly type relationship she is having is communication is key. Her reassuring me and checking in with me is important and a need for me.
What I have learned, though, is trying to protect our own marriage and relationship. It has caused the relationship they have to be more of an affair with my permission.
I want to be included. I want to be part of it and it to be something we do together. For that to work she needs to bo able openly text him in front of me. Not sneak away and text him or text him only when at work. They should be able to call eachother in front of me and in private. Not scheduled calls during work hours when both know myself and the kids are not around.
So I’m learning. My wife is too.
It is all new to us and that is scary for both of us. We have a strong foundation of love for each-other. She is everything to me and the perfect person. I am her perfect person, too.
It may sound CRAZY!
I do believe it is possible to love more than one person.
That cuckold relationship, open relationships don’t have to be only sexual outside the marriage, but can also be enjoyed as emotional. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.