You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” ― Mandy Hale

I found an interesting article today on a polyamory website. It discussed rules and stated that the rule of checking in is one of those begging to be broken rules.

They didn’t go into much detail about why.

I know if I posted this on a cuckold forum all cuckolds would say this is wrong. Us cuckolds stick up for each other. Also it turns out cuckolds want some control in their open relationships even if we are submissive kinksters.

My wife and I don’t have many rules. One request I have always had is that she check in with me. She has a hard time with it. It is understandable. What does that look like and mean? When do you check in? How often?

When my wife was on her last date with a man I asked for her to check in if she ended up going to his house.

She didn’t.

I have had an interesting day of online conversations. I posted on a polyamory forum asking why checking in is such a bad rule?

The responses were incredible.

I also mentioned that I get aroused by my wife with other men. Checking in does two things. It comforts me, knowing she is safe and causes arousal.

There were a few who agreed.

“If it’s a rule that you and her had, she broke it. It’s not like you forced her to it. As a loving partner, I definitely let my partners know if I’m having an overnight or going to a new persons place. First, safety. Cause, it’s a new person. Second, my partner asked me to. And if it helps ease their anxiety, well, I’m ok with that. I love them and it’s a pretty minor request. Just a heads up to what’s going on.”

“I totally feel you. I know it may be hard but say what do and do what you say. Check ins and Check outs. You are not on your own. We are in this together. I think it’s simple courtesy.”

The rest were not as kind lol.

Many called me gross because I get aroused that my wife is with another man. They even went as far as saying it is not ethical because I don’t have the concent from the man she is seeing to be aroused. That her other partners would require informed consent to keep that ethical.

Now I understand consent. But not sure me being aroused at home because my wife is with another man is not ethical. That said, I encourage my wife to tell men she meets about our relationship and that it arouses me. I know she tells them she is in an open relationship but have never thought about another finding it gross if they knew it arouses me, her husband. I don’t know if she tells the men I get off on it or not?

For me, I don’t know what type of relationship we are in. I know I am open to my wife having emotional and physical relationships with other men. We have done swinging, cuckolding, hotwife play. I would just say we are in an ethical non-monogamy relationship. We have been intentional not to treat guys like toys. And not forget the autonomy and agency of metas.

Although I was pretty much attacked for being a man that gets off on his wife being with other men. I couldn’t help but think. Isn’t that better than the opposite? Even in a polyamory relationship?

There were so many thought provoking comments.

“Because it is a rule that should be broken. It’s essentially a heads up rule. And potentially has some benevolent sexism added to the mix.”

Benevolent sexism?

This remark was more in regard to having a sense of comfort knowing where she is, as a false sense of control. A sense that if she is in danger, I know where to find her. — therefore wanting her to check in so I can keep her safe, benevolent sexism in the idea that she can’t keep herself safe with the decisions she’s making on her own.

Now I don’t agree with the last part. My wife is a bad ass woman. This commenter hit it right with the sense of comfort.

The commenter asked me “What does it change for you if you’re informed afterwards instead of told ahead of time?”

My wife asked me the same thing. I get it. Where we are at currently, it is honestly comforting to me when she checks in.

I understand that a sense of comfort is coming from a place of feeling like I have a false sense of control over an uncontrollable situation instead of just accepting that I have no control. This has been a long battle for me.

Another wife talked about how much of a chore it is to check in. “This has been made a lot less of a chore since we got location tracking software, as someone else pointed out as less intrusive than a notification call or text.”

OMG I have never thought about tracking my wife. I have also never thought about a location tracker being less intrusive.

“Both my wife and I give location and plans updates to each other constantly for safety reasons.”

“If you support her being poly then you need to support her having real independence. That doesn’t make broken agreements hurt any less. It doesn’t make her breaking agreements instead of addressing them and shifting them if they need to change any less shitty. But yeah, when it comes to poly asking for the “heads up” is often considered a lack of trust in your partner’s ability to make choices for herself. And involving yourself non consensually in their sex life is basically gross.”

I was called gross again. Maybe poly isn’t right for me. I want to support my wife having real independence but I also want it something we enjoy together. We have faced challenges and made it work with long-term relationships she has had. She was just on the phone with a long term guy today.

Another suggested. “I think in your case, it would help to be introduced to the meta and explain the boundaries, rules and agreements. Have a 3 way chat if necessary. It may surprise you to find solidarity and understanding.”

I’m not big on rules lol some may disagree since it seems I am controlling. I do find meeting the other men is very helpful, it relieves pretty much all angst and typically this is an agreement with my wife and I have if it is going to be ongoing.

Maybe this is a learning lesson to have that meeting earlier. Prior to any sex. Funny thing is I am too submissive to explain boundaries and rules to another man and the fact is we don’t really have any except my need to also get sexually off on the relationship.

Again I was called gross. But this one falls more on my wife and I think she lets the guys know I am aroused?

“If the wife is dating a guy, hasn’t addressed the hotwife/cuck aspect of it, then it’s involving him in a sexual dynamic he hasn’t agreed to and that is gross.”

I’ll end this with the most thought provoking comments.

“Why not assume all dates will end in sex instead of making her check in?”

Honestly, great advise! So simple, I have never even thought about it. Then I have all my cuckold arousal. What if she chooses not to have sex though? She has that right 100%! I support that! Would there be a sense of disappointment?

“Maybe it helps to think from another perspective: let’s say that you met a nice woman who attracted you. Would you be able to build a real relationship with her if you needed to first report to your wife every time you saw your new love interest? Wouldn’t that give your wife an awful lot of information and power over how your new relationship developed? Would either you or your girlfriend like to have this invisible oversight of your new romance, or would it feel stifling and intrusive?”

How could you read this and not think it would feel stifling and intrusive!

I get it.

It is hard because I don’t want to be in that position myself. I feel relationships are partnerships. We can work together and figure out what is right for both of us. I know I am okay with my wife having relationships, but it takes time and exploring and lots of checking in with myself and my needs. I have to be a loving partner to myself as well.

Polyamory seems to be about having the option to create full romantic relationships that can function independently of the other relationship.

I don’t think that is something we can offer to potential partners. I am aroused by my wife with other men. So it can’t be independent. She can have her freedom. She has calls with her boyfriend without checking in with me. But the relationships she has with other men because of my kink can’t be independent.

It won’t work.

We have to have our own form of ethical non-monogamy however that looks. That includes and is about both of us.