I Owe An Apology To My Wife

I was feeling a lot of angst. My wife had gone out on a date with another man and didn’t check in with me like she agreed to. I asked if she could notify me if she was going to go to his house. She said she would.

For her checking in is just at the end of the night when we reconnect. So she didn’t check in and it hurt. I thought they were out for drinks. Then I learned they went to dinner. Later I commented, “I thought you were just going to have drinks with him.” Although she told me they were just going out for drinks when she left. Her response to me was they had always planned on dinner.

Communication is key to an open marriage. She didn’t mean to hurt me, but also she broke the boundary we set and went home with him without checking in with me. She wants this freedom of private relationships with other men.

I want to be included. An open marriage to me is the other person knows she has a husband. I don’t stop existing when she is out with another man and for her to tell another man she needs to check in with me, her husband, for whatever reason should be understandable to all parties involved. There are many reasons a significant other would need to check-in from time to time. With me, it is just an emotional check-in.

We got over it and had a wonderful weekend together. I then found out she was going at it alone again. This angered me and made me feel cheated on. She planning a date with another man without first checking in on my feelings or getting my consent.

She said this is just her way of communicating. She planned to check in to make sure the date was okay once she knew when they were both available.

Why am I apologizing to my wife?

I am apologizing to you because I said things I didn’t mean. I also lied to you because I wanted you to feel the hurt I was feeling.

As a cuckold I like to be involved. I like to watch and take part the most. Maybe I’m not a cuckold, more of a voyeur or a man that gets pleasure vicariously through you. I don’t want my wife to have private relationships with other men. I am okay with you having emotional and sexual relationships, but I need you to check in with me.

I apologize if that is needy. Honestly, that is not what this post is about.

I apologize for calling you selfish. Although I was saying it as an insult. I don’t think you are selfish. Part of me eroticized you being selfish, loving the idea of you taking care of your sexual needs with other men. Prioritizing yourself.

Prioritizing yourself is not selfish. I understand this because I too prioritize myself.

Doing what we love recharges us.

When we fill our time with responsibilities and constantly prioritize the needs of others over our own, we can drain ourselves of energy and desire. Being drained of desire, being asexual is the opposite of every fantasy I have ever had and would be a nightmare in hell for me.

If we are kind to ourselves and considerate of our own needs, we are more likely to show up fully for the people we love, for each other.

This is where I apologize again.

I told you I was going to see other women. You told me that hurts you–and you don’t want to know about it. Again, I said that just proves you’re selfish.

This was my poor communication of my need to prioritize myself if you are going to go at it on your own and have private relationships with other men without me.

Not only that, it was a complete lie. I have too many sexual insecurities to ever want to date another woman. Even when we were at the adult lifestyle event. The wife of the husband we were playing with wanted me to fuck her. I had no desire to. My mind and body would not allow that to happen. I was much more satisfied having her husband fuck you on top of me.

I never fantasize about any woman except you. I fantasize about you daily. Even when you are sitting in the other room. Truthfully, even sometimes when you are riding on top of me. You comfort me with my sexual insecurities. I can be me with you.

How do I tell you it was not even other woman I was thinking in my head I should see to prioritize myself, even know that is what I said?

I fantasize about you and the only other fantasy that gets me off is pleasuring men myself. Yes, sucking cock or being fucked. The thing is for me, it is not emotional. It is sexual. My sexual submissive side is what it is. It has nothing to do with being straight or gay. We will call it bi, so it has a label.

I don’t lie awake at night and dream of walking hand-in-hand along a beautiful shoreline at sunset with some dude. That is why I lied and said I should start seeing girls. It makes more sense in my head. You are who I dream about.

Sexually submissive males fantasize about sucking cock and being fucked because the pleasure of submitting to cock is not necessarily the man behind it.

So honestly, I was ashamed. So I insulted you with a lie because in my head I was thinking I should start getting fucked by other men like you.

In the end, I apologize for hurting you and lying to you. The primary fact is right now I’m comfortable doing this together. However, that looks like. Not separate private relationships.

It is you who is the love of my life.

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