On my way to work today, I handed a homeless man a five-dollar bill to his smile and excitement. He asks my name and thanked me for my kindness. Seems like a selfless act, but in fact it was selfish, trying to cheer myself up by making someone else happy.
I was just thinking about how I didn’t feel very special. When I saw him on the corner begging for money, I felt I could do something special for him by giving him a gift of a little cash.
I’ve been thinking about myself lately and wanted to write a non cuckold journal post, but how can I talk about myself without cuckolding?
I chat regularly with a previous bull of my wife. We like to send each other captioned photos we find online that include things he finds hot, funny, or possibilities of exploration for cuckolding.
He likes to be dominant and play the dominant role. He knows I like to be submissive and play the submissive role. I find much of what he sends me entertaining more than arousing.
One he sent today hit home and made me pretty sad. I am tearing up a little writing this. Possibly, I am just being over emotional.
Not his intention to upset me, I don’t hold it against him, it just hits a stream of thoughts I have been having.
Luckily, he also asked for a picture of me in lingerie today. He has never asked for one and I shared a few and texted “Fuckable??”.
His response reveals his desire to fuck me. Which makes me feel a little special in a time of not feeling special.
Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what turns us on are common in our society.
I was sitting in a gay bar. It was empty besides two men. One being the bartender. They were asking me about where I live and if it was gay friendly. Their conversation was open and honest, yet their questions to me had me hesitant to speak.
They thought I was gay. I was in a gay bar.
Palm springs came up, and I shared that we like to go there every year or two. It is the only place I do nothing except lie around naked.
The bartender asked where I stay and I told him various places. You could tell he saw my lie.
I am a terrible lier. I live a life of absolute honesty, even though a large part of who I am is a dark secret.
Feeling bad for being caught in a lie, knowing that he stopped talking to me because I was not being honest. I reflected quickly, asking why I am not being honest with someone who understands a person like me?
I just came out and said it.
I am married; I have two kids and am in an open relationship. Both my wife and I enjoy being fucked by other men. We stay at a swingers’ resort in Palm Springs, although we really aren’t swingers.
I also love to dress as a girl as much as possible and am more transexual, bisexual and don’t view myself as being gay.
It was a lot. The other guy at the bar, came and sat right next to me, asked if I had a picture of me dressed up?
I did, and I shared my pictures with both. They thought I was super hot as a girl. Not in a way they wanted to hook up with me. They are bottoms and clearly could tell I was no top.
It felt great. They asked me so many questions, I actually ordered an extra beer. Multiple times they apologized for all the questions, but I told them I enjoyed talking about it. I never get to talk to anyone about it aside from my wife.
We talked about the guy my wife is currently fucking. How he is in love with her and their relationship has been exciting but also hard on me mentally.
We discussed other men my wife has been with, where I have joined in, also how I love to watch my wife get fucked. That it is a huge turnon.
The bartender said he has been with his partner for 30 years and he completely gets it. He loves to watch his partner fuck other men. He can’t explain it, it just turns him on.
Different from my wife and my relationship, though they only do things with other men together. It helps keep that part of their relationship as special as the relationship.
He talked about how he believes gay men can keep sex and emotions separated but women naturally have a hard time with that.
I thanked them for the conversation.
I could tell the bartender who also owns the bar has heard it all over the years. In this environment, there was no shame or guilt. Just an openness and understanding.
It was the reason he opened the bar. No one else wanted him and his people in their bars in this town, so they needed to open a place they could be themselves.
The thing is captions like above make me feel shame for being who I am. They are belittling and make me feel not special.
You may read this and think, well, no one is special. In the complete picture of humans, I agree. People do special things.
The one great thing about love and falling in love with someone, though, is they make you feel special all the time. At least in a healthy, loving relationship.
Also others can do or say things intentionally to help others feel special, or loved or desired or probably many other emotions…..
When I wear lingerie, like I sent a picture of to the “bull” it feels so natural, so exciting.
It is hard to describe for anyone who hasn’t experienced it, but once someone like me dresses, it’s like finding that one thing that’s been missing from your life, the thing you need to feel complete like everyone else around you.
But then comes the bad part.
As you are there in the warmth of truly being yourself, another feeling creeps up on you. This feeling springs from the realization that you’re not allowed to be yourself. At a certain time of the day you rush to transform back into your other self.
This is comparable to cuckolding. Mocked and humiliated even by the people who enjoy the gift of your own sexuality.
Your exited to be dressed up like some sort of sissy boy!
You feel the shame. It doesn’t end. It’s always there: waiting just beneath the surface, reminding you of what you are.
Random off-the-cuff comments you hear throughout your life.
You learn as a boy it is best to keep these secrets hidden as deeply as possible.
But it won’t stay hidden. It calls you.
When you see a girl, it turns your focus to her clothes. It makes you fantasize about wearing her things, acting girly, and many submissive fantasies.
When a man flirts with your girl, it turns you on. It makes you fantasize about watching her get fucked by the man you are not and many submissive fantasies.
When I met my wife. She made me feel special. Loving me for who I am, as well as the experiences we have together sexually and outside of sex.
I believe both of us were not born to be monogamous.
We all like variety. Women love wearing different outfits, shoes and bags. You should see my closet! Men love driving different cars and going to various bars, having various women. People want variety, and I believe we need it in relationships.
Why do cuckolds love humiliation?
I read that humiliation and shame are cousins of guilt. Past experiences where you felt these emotions, you later eroticize.
A cuckold is usually a man who enjoys being humiliated for being inadequate.
As an extension, realizing your inability to satisfy your partner in a certain way and be okay with someone else doing it.
It is exciting and builds a feeling of trust and giving up control.
As a couple, you can focus on the love and the connection you have built. Sometimes we take for granted our marriages, and we cannot see the bigger picture. It is important to remember the love and the genuine reasons you are together.
In cuckolding you hear about reclaiming your wife after a sexual experience she has with another male. I view it as reconnecting the love you share together.
Making each other feel special is just as important in an open relationship as in any relationship.
It is easy, though, not to feel special.
As the caption above and so many cuckold captions display. There is nothing special about the cuckold or the sissy. In fact, they are weak and submissive with no say.
Those of us who are cuckolds or like to dress or enjoy other non-traditional sexuality, know it takes a lot of strength.
There are many things that can make someone feel they are not special.
Open relationships can be tricky to balance.
My wife is the most special person in the world to me. She inspires me to be a better, authentic person.
I love her strength and power, her beauty.
Planning special occasions with each-other and going on amazing adventures that bring us closer together.
I feel safe and comfortable in her presence and, most of the time, loved. I really appreciate her daily presence in my life. Falling asleep next to her and waking up next to her. Being the love of my life, my BFF.
I love sharing my life with her… lol as well as sharing her. She is an exceptional mother, lover, and wife. Smart, educated with a perfect outlook on life. She is my goddess and I am proud of everything about her.
It is easy to find what is special about her. It is not always that easy to see what is special about me. Or to equally loved. Locked in the shackles of my sexuality.