Journaling

When you were a teenager, you might have kept a diary hidden under your mattress. It was a place to confess your struggles and fears without judgment or punishment. It likely felt good to get all of those thoughts and feelings out of your head and down on paper. The world seemed clearer.

Mine was always on a computer. Hidden deep into files. A word document with some obscure name. I wonder if somewhere in the shadows of my basement in boxes of memories my writings still exists on some hard-drive or thumb drive?

I have always journaled. Typing out my thoughts and feelings to help understand them more clearly. To help with my struggle with stress and anxiety. To explore my fantasies and work through those feelings.

This blog is my journal. I keep it public so my wife can read it. We have found that it helps with our communication. As a submissive man, it is not always easy for me to communicate directly to her in conversation. This helps us better address the topics on my mind of my sexuality.

I also eroticise my journal for both my entertainment and anyone who stumbles here and reads my writing.

Not everything I write is factual to where I want to take my life. That is the fun part of a journal you can explore and interweave where you currently are and where be. It is a place to find peace in my mind and growth in my body and my heart.

Some of my writing is erratic, some I don’t even proof read before I post. Some I spend hours if not days to perfect my thoughts.

I have always seen myself as an overthinker.

I am very intelligent; I don’t think anyone who knows me would argue that I am not. Of course, I say and write plenty of dumb things.

Overthinking, I have always felt I have been guilty.

My business coach. When I told her, I overthink everything. She told me I need to reframe that thinking. I don’t overthink. I deep think and that has allowed me to be successful in life in business and in my relationships.

The problem is when you deep think the world doesn’t stop. While I am in my thoughts, the world is still moving and decisions are still being made. I have learned though I have to try to not live in urgency.

I have been deep thinking about non-monogamy and cuckolding.

If you were to talk to me about my wife and my emotional relationship, our daily life. You have not read this journal, did not know my sexuality, which is still very much in the closet. If you were my friend. You would believe I am monogamous.

I unfortunately believe this myself sometimes.

My wife and I are fact, non-monogamous. We have had close to a hundred sexual partners. Body count still rising.

We both have been with men and women, groups, gangbangs. More men, but our sexuality is pretty fluid.

In a cuckold relationship – typically, the male half is monogamous while we set the female free.

Things I enjoy about cuckolding are:

• Female power and control.

• I like the sexual teasing and denial play.

• I love the way my wife dresses and pursues other men to enjoy sexually.

• As a voyeur, I love to watch and be told every detail about how they please and satisfy her.

• I enjoy her being provided sexual pleasure I cannot provide.

• I love cream-pies and re-connecting with my wife after her sexual encounters.

These are important aspects of being in a non-monogamous marriage for me. There are many types of open relationships. Like life they can’t be set to a specific script. You can’t always control life for so many reasons. You adapt to it, you go with the flows, the ebbs, overcome challenges and roadblocks.

One challenge to my wife and my open marriage is I can feel jealous.

Some things trigger me being jealous more than others. It isn’t her having sex with others. Unsurprisingly, it is more of the emotional piece.

Admittedly recently, this past year, I have started a bad habit of reading her and her boyfriend’s text. If you read the journal post we both wrote, you would have learned I caught her deleting text, which triggered me being jealous. Of course also her feeling shame for deceiving and lying to me. It also fueled a passionate night of deep love and fantasy of the possibilities emotionally and sexually.

I have learned this week her deleting their text was affective at preventing jealous triggers. In fact it would be better and healthier if I didn’t read her text at all and she used them as ways to tease and arouse me with screenshots when she feels I will think it is hot.

As I reflect on my trigger of jealous behavior this week, I have also learned that when we are not fully connected sexually and emotionally ourselves non-monogamy doesn’t work for me. It needs to be put on hold until we can have time to reconnect.

When we are disconnected, it is typically not her or my fault. We get overwhelmed with the busy schedule of family life. This last week I was very sick and was disconnected not just from her but from everything.

When it comes to the jealousy I feel. It is not her leaving me. I have had that fear, but I can quickly correct it knowing her and my relationship is very strong.

I worry about being left in the small ways. The cuckolding being taken away. An overnight turning into multiple overnights. I don’t like to spend nights apart from my love. Or have not yet got comfortable with it.

I get jealousy stings believing she isn’t missing me or thinking about me much when she is with a boyfriend. Or thinking about him more than me. I stop living in the present and think about down the road. Her in powerful new relationship energy, pushing my comfort levels so she can spend more time with this new lover.

Being around her as much as possible is something I enjoy.

Jealousy can be disabling. My wife has not had the chance to feel it too much since I have agreed not to chase other woman and mostly during our open relationship have not been with very many women other than my wife.

We were in palm springs at a nudist lifestyle resort. I have learned to make it clear I don’t play and my wife was enjoying the weekend feasting on many big cocks. As well as cuddling and making love with me in the open by the pool in front of others, which we both enjoy. I am more of a voyeur than my wife, an exhibitionist, but I enjoy being watched with her at these resorts. She is usually the hottest there, and it feels wonderful being her husband.

While she enjoyed the men at the resort, one wife made it clear how attracted she was to me. She just loved my eyes. I didn’t push her away, she was very aggressive. She would kiss me and I allowed it but didn’t take it further.

The feeling of being desired was enjoyable. I was being very feminine at this event and it felt great she was so attracted to me. I am sure my wife gets these same feelings with other men.

In the hot-tub this wife and her friend came in front of me. They were telling me how hot I am. How they love my smooth, muscular body. They both took turns kissing me. Then they took turns giving me a blowjob. The friend’s husband was watching and the wife that had been after me all day was taunting him. Turns out he was a cuckold too and she was encouraging her friend to openly cuckold him. I understood this dynamic and felt aroused being chosen to be the man on the other side. I also was not complaining about having two beautiful women sucking my dick.

I was worried about my wife. She was going to be jealous, and this was not part of our agreement. I looked and saw it in her eyes.

She was angry, hurt, scared. She had tears in her eyes.

Even though she had already fucked several men and I had fucked no one.

I went to our room. I could understand the jealousy she was feeling because I feel it with her. We could move past it. I did not touch any woman the rest of the weekend and still very much enjoyed my wife being sexual with others and me only with her. Except for that one little glitch, it really was a perfect sexual weekend.

I recently read about how jealousy stops the flow of life.

“Jealousy always conjures up the worst-case scenario. Most often, this is a false alarm. Jealousy tempts us to resist the flow of life, to say no to change. Like a brush with death, jealousy brings us face to face with the unpredictable nature of life.

Suddenly, the future looks uncertain. Jealousy says clamp down, hold on for dear life. Stop that current, lock that gate. But resistance only causes pain. Instead, let go. What is yours will flow back to you.

Remember that the emptiness we experience when a lover leaves comes from the void, the hole, which is left in the fabric of your life. The tracks of a passion obscured by the mists of time. Yes, you may dread facing the void. Stay open to the flow of life. Keep moving the energy and it will move you beyond need and into an encounter with your destiny.

Jealousy is so often a cloak, hiding your joy beneath it. Easy to miss out if you run away screaming. Easy to miss out if you avert your eyes instead of facing it. Facing the jealousy, which is a projection of your deepest fears”.

The interesting thing with jealousy and cuckolding is it can be a turn on. Part of jealousy is the sexual arousal that naturally arises when we imagine our beloved making love. It is the intensity of this sexual current which gives jealousy its dangerous passion. I need to give myself permission to feel sexually excited.

Also focusing on the things I listed, I sexually enjoy about cuckolding as well as other enjoyments such as dressing and feeling sexy.

My transformation sexually over the last few years has been so positive with my wife’s help. That I feel more desired than ever by both men and women. I also feel more confident as I am more my true self.

I do feel solidly grounded in the knowledge of my unconditional love for my wife and her me. The good is any stirring of jealousy quickly dissolves in the light of the eternal bond between us.

Nothing can shake a bond like this, not death, not separation, and certainly not another human’s genitals.

It is something you have to learn to deal with in an open relationship how to make it not be destructive, not block the current, the joy beneath it.