Sometimes Life Is WTF Is Going On In My Head!

A Birthday Gift

It was a special gift she gave me for my birthday. A trip out-of-town Halloween weekend to a huge adult Halloween party.

I’ve always wanted to go to an adult Halloween party out of town. To dress sexy and erotic. To wear a costume, the type of costume I have long fantasised about my entire life.

“In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” — Lindsey Lohan, Mean Girls

This is an old movie quote and certainly women can dress sexy today with less slut shaming than in 2004. As they should be able to wear what ever the fuck they want. It makes them feel sexy and for many, yes also confident as well as desired. These are all great things!

For someone like me, I can’t rock out a mini skirt, fishnets, crop top and a sexy pair of high-heeled boots out my door just to go out and get a drink. I mean I guess I can but my headspace is not there yet and I do think I would be gender shamed.

I too like to feel sexy, even slutty as well as confident and desired.

I am so excited for this night out.

This night out in October.

So excited I purchased my wife and me super hot costumes. Sexy vampires. Mine I will rock those fishnets, heeled boots, thong cheeky shorts with a cape with a slit up the back that gives teases of my backside. Corset top, full coverage top, wig, hat and night out full make-up with a vampire twist. It is hot as fuck! At least I think so. Hers too, very similar to mine but showing off her off the charts sexy large breasts. Since she has real breast her top is far from full coverage.

After my birthday my wife had to travel out-of-town over the memorial holiday weekend. All I thought about while she was out of town was our Halloween party.

In October!

I have been purchasing us accessories, researching make-up, sexy boots for her. Just an excited girl, wanting to look my best.

At the same time her being out of town was just overwhelming. Me taking care of the kids, the house, researching our costumes, cooking, cleaning. All the shit we all do. Well a lot of husbands don’t but I do and always have.

On top of that kids sports have been taking up so much of my time. I have been trying to grow my business. Then I also was depressed. I can’t even think of the last time my wife an I have been out alone.

It was some winter night where we snuck away to get a cocktail.

When my wife was back in town. I showed her all the Halloween stuff. We tried it on. We look hot as fuck in it. It is going to be such a fun night!

We had amazing girly sex. I used a toy on her. It was perfect.

Then she dropped a bomb. Her boyfriend would be in town in two weekends and she would love an overnight hall pass.

While we were having sex.

Not her fault, many times this type of talk would turn me on and she didn’t know…..

I had not thought about cuckolding since before my birthday!

While I finished having sex with her it didn’t feel like a turn on. It didn’t feel like cuckolding.

She wants to spend another night with her boyfriend in our home town. A romantic sexual relationship.

I thought about how overwhelmed I already was, how her and I have very little alone time, how she was just out of town for 5 days. The thought just was not a turn on to me.

I didn’t feel like I wanted to be cuckolded. I told her, that was not a good weekend. With all the kids sports, and everything else, I just feel overwhelmed.

She has been very turned on about seeing him. They have been sexting and talking over video calls multiple times over the last couple weeks. Also she let me know he is coming anyway. They have been planning on seeing each other just not overnight.

I have felt being ignored. More overwhelmed.

I should have known when I agreed she could spend the night with him the last time this would be the expectation going forward. I was stupid to think otherwise. I was thinking cuckolding. Her and I enjoying sexual experiences together. A cuckold likes to watch his wife being fucked for many reasons that work for him and her to both get sexually satisfied.

This is not cuckolding. He has no desire for me to ever see them having sex. He doesn’t care about me. He is in love with my wife and wants her the same way I do. She is in love with him and wants both of us.

She has that right for her own sexual and emotional needs.

On top of that the sex we have been having has been in our bed sneaking away from the kids. Morning sex. Me spooning her and making love to her as her husband, a man from behind.

It is enjoyable but it does not fulfill my own sexual needs.

She also went out with a girlfriend for wine this last weekend, then wants to go spend the night with him this weekend.

Her going out to wine with a girlfriend is completely understandable and acceptable, but it bothered me.

More so because I was also thinking about her spending this weekend with him.

Her and I have not had a night out since winter. She is going and getting her emotional and sexual needs met. She is able to do this because I am left staying home taking care of the kids.

I just wanted to wait until I was not overwhelmed and the kids sports season was over which is also after this weekend.

My wife says I should have time to myself. I should go out with male friends.

I have never gone out with male friends since she has known me. I have always gone out with girlfriends. Sure I have male friends I have had drinks with from time to time but I am not the type of guy that goes out for a guys night out. I’m much happier around women.

We both also dedicate time to our own selves for exercise. Me most often getting more time for training. She ask, isn’t that enough? It does help; it is just different. It is not time for her and I and most of the time this is scheduled when one of us has to have the kids or during workday.

I also think my wife thinks I am gay. She jokes about me having a boyfriend.

I am not gay, I don’t identify as gay. Yes I like to have sex with men and be used sexually by men. If I am going to go out with a guy it is going to be for just that – Sex, then I’d come home. It would not be the same as her emotional and sexual relationship. I’m sorry that is just not me.

I read a good article about poly-hell and I think I am kind of in it. As a cuckold and a guy who has always been confused about his sexuality and identifies more with women.

When I get overwhelmed my sympathetic nervous system works overtime and anxiety is in the driver seat.

This is the same system that activates the fight or flight response.

I try not to fight with my wife, I want her to be happy and I love her very much. When she talks about me having boyfriends or going out with other men I get a flight response. I am not polyamorous even if she is.

If I was to have anything it would be a girlfriend. Girls do flirt with me and I get a long with girls very well as I identify with them. So if anything if I was a girl I’d be a lesbian who like’s cock.

Thinking about my feminine desires just adds more confused head space to the mix!

My flight response tells me – maybe you should get a girlfriend so my wife can have her time with her girlfriends and boyfriend and I can have my time with other girls or sexual hook-ups with men.

So you can see I am very overwhelmed, my thinking is all over the place and logical and not logical lol.

I am a cuckold. I enjoy being part of my wife’s sexual pleasure with other men. That is a turn on for me.

Her having sexual and emotional relationships outside of cuckolding and our marriage is challenging. I understand, she married an emotional feminine male who likes to have sex like a girl more than a man and she does have her sexual needs that need to be fulfilled as I do too and we need to continue to work on how to make it best work.

That she may continue to “cuckold” me even when the timing is not good for me, for her own pleasure and needs, even when I feel overwhelmed.

This was a huge rant. I am still feeling overwhelmed with a lot of anxiety. Little time to write my thoughts. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head. I am confident it will pass. Especially as the last two crazy months that both her and me identified beforehand when looking at what we got ourselves into as a potential for being crazy and throwing us off, are over.

When her and I have more time to spend together emotionally and sexually and not just going through the grinds of raising family, taking care of our home and working with no additional time, not for her or I but for us. When we are not just going through the motions.

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