The Cuckold Identity

Over the last ten years of being in an open relationship where my wife enjoys the sexual pleasures of other men, I have tried to find my identity.

When we started out, I didn’t know what a cuckold was. I discovered the fetish of cuckolding later on after our first hotwife experience.

What I have learned over the 10 years is that all identities have flaws except one. I am a person who has had a lot of sexual identities.

As we celebrate the hotwife lifestyle this week, my number one advice is not to get caught up in the identity of a cuckold.

The first time my wife had sex with another man during our marriage was at a swingers’ resort, where she visited on her own. I wanted her to have the freedom to re-discover her sexuality without the pressure of me being there. It worked.

Since it was a success, we went to swinger parties, clubs, resorts. We still do.

What I knew, though early on is we were not swingers. My wife is not turned on by me being with other women. She actually can get pretty jealous. The fact is though, I also don’t have a desire to be with any other women. This is not a part of our marriage where I thought there was something missing or lacking. When I saw her getting fucked by well hung men, I understood right away I can not fuck her like that and pleasure her in that way.

I knew that before her first experience, learning and seeing her reactions when I used toys on her. There is not a toy on the market that is comparable to my dick which my wife and I today refer to as more of a clit. So every time I use a toy on her, I see her body respond more positively than when I am in her myself. I knew for her to have a completely fulfilling sex life we needed to open our marriage for her.

I am not a selfish man. I want my wife to have that pleasure and not just with a toy. I also get off on it and fantasize about it. Not understanding this, I researched it and found cuckolding.

It was easy, right away, for me to identify as a cuckold. I had a small penis. I am submissive. I get turned on by my wife fucking other men and I get off on erotic humiliation. My wife is sexually insatiable and loves the variety of other men.

The flaw. We do not fit within one identity.

There are so many cuckold identities. I have experienced mostly all of them except being an oblivious cuckold.

If you do a google search, you will find many written posts on cuckold identities, some including:

Cuckold sex life, lifestyle cuckold, oblivious cuckold, dominant cuckold, pornographer, sperm competitor, the humiliation lover, submissive, the selfless cuckold, the bi-cuck, sissy cuckold, pussy free cuckold.

There are just as many types for hotwives: Solo hotwife, cuckolding hotwife, vixen, submissive hotwife, queen of spades, mistress hotwife, slutwife, whore hotwife, swinging/wife swapping, polyamory hotwife, cheating wife.

Then you go into other realms, such as being a sissy. You have the gay sissy, bisexual sissy, transgender/gender fluid sissy, the straight sissy, crossdreamer, crossdresser, slutty sissy, sissy maid, sordid sissy,

And on and on and on…..

I can identify many of these as sexual kinks and fetishes my wife and I enjoy. It is not the identity of our marriage or ourselves.

11 years ago if I sat down with my wife and said “I want to be a cuckold. Not just a cuckold but a sissy cuckold. Submissive to you. You will have the freedom to fuck whoever you want. Feed me their cum, even spit in my mouth. You can be a total slut wife! Later I will be feminized and crave cock like you.” I have a feeling it would have scared the shit out of her! That is porn shit!

Year one continuing on, we have learned and grown within our open relationship.

We are still learning. Failing forward.

Yes, sometimes our sexual acts can be described as something you would see in porn. That though is a side benefit of non-monogamy.

Two posts ago I discussed us having to cancel on one of my wife’s dates at the very last minute because I felt major insecurities. A lot coming from not wanting to suddenly be outed as a cuckold and feeling the humiliation from that. These insecurities were not completely rational, but served as a learning lesson.

My true personal identity is the learner. Being the learner, you can be confident and always move forward.

Our relationship really can only be identified as an open, loving relationship. In this open relationship, we enjoy many of the fetishes and kinks. Yes, many fall under the umbrella of cuckolding.

We have also learned that my wife doesn’t just want human sex toys. She wants relationships, connections with other men. Physical and emotional. So I am learning to get excited about that and it is an enormous turn on for me.

I have also learned I am very emotional and have insecurities. Many of my insecurities are because I was raised to believe in a monogamy fairytale. Raised in a very much patriarchal environment, a place where sexism, homophobia and fear of different sexual identities existed. With many people in society, they still exist today. I learned to sexually live in the shadows.

The fairytale is I met the most beautiful and perfect woman. A perfect match for me. Strong, beautiful, intelligent and powerful. A sexual goddess.

A woman worth celebrating as a hotwife.

I love that she is “slutty”. It gets me off when she puts a man in their place “a bitch”.

A monogamous relationship with her would never work. The same as with me. A man that enjoys being submissive to powerful men and women embraces feminity, explores sex with the same gender.

There are so many benefits of celebrating an open marriage. Things like more sex, more sexual variety, more romantic attention, feeling more sexually attractive and desired, more emotional support, being more honest with my partner, more emotional intimacy, feeling more alive, greater confidence and self-esteem, feeling more abundance and less scarcity, feeling more satisfied with my partner.

Those benefits sure sound a lot better than the cuckold identities I found in my google search.

All these benefits yet it still can be scary to live this open sexual life because of past baggage. Also though, because of putting yourself in a box by self identifying yourself.

It is scary for someone finding out you are a cuckold, that you enjoy all these extreme sexual acts. You’re bi-sexual and love to experience the pleasures of being a female. Something that is easy to hide in the shadows because really no one needs to know except the people you are sexually playing with.

It is also scary for the wife. She can’t just unload on a guy she just started dating that she and her husband enjoy all these extreme sexual pleasures. It comes out slowly.

If your wife has not fulfilled your cuckold fantasy. That is an identity that can be scary to just jump right into. She loves you.

So we have these craving to be cuckold but we should not identify as a cuckold. We are learners and we enjoy learning about our sexuality and experiencing it.

When my wife steps out the door to go meet a guy for a date. She is getting the benefits of freedom, independence, more love around her, more honesty deeper and more connected to herself, me and other men, more sex.

I have learned that what makes me happy about non-monogamy is having my fairytale wife I described above. Knowing that she is and always will be sexually satisfied. That we get to experience this together and have so many stories and sexual experiences. The honesty it allows in our marriage, the trust. How I can still always feel secure in our relationship. For me, more secure than if we were monogamous. We have stability and can plan our future together just like any monogamous couple does. I get to be myself. I fantasize about my wife fucking other men and I get off to that being a reality. I can explore areas of sexuality that I always thought were out of bounds with her support and love. Her being happy, enjoying love and companionship with others makes me feel good and happy.

When we started I had one main fear I was aware of. I didn’t want her to do it for me. I wanted it to be as much for her as it is for us. I feared she would fall in love and leave me. I feared people would find out I am a cuckold.

How have these worries played out?

My wife does it for her as much as for us. We have had our challenges, but she enjoys when she can have the freedom, independence to enjoy more love around her, a variety of sex, more sex, exceptional sex and deeper connections. That she can freely flirt with other men.

I have stopped fearing her falling in love. I still have my own challenges, insecurities, and jealousy. It is natural. I learn from it though. I am happy she is happy and believe she can love more than one person, have a deep emotional connection with more than one person and still our relationship can maintain all the benefits of a monogamous one and even greater.

The fear of people finding out I’m a cuckold? There are only a few people outside of the ones we have had sexual relationships with that knowledge. This fear has hindered us. More so, the identity and the fear.

My wife and I will not lose our jobs if someone finds out. It will not affect us financially. It will not strain our bond.

Why we do non-monogamy should have us light up with excitement and joy. I labeled it though. People don’t need to know I lick other men’s cum out of my wife. That is too much information.

Celebrating being a hotwife. The things that have been giving us so much in life. My wife loves a lot of sex with a lot of people and she likes to have deep, meaningful intimacy, even with one-night stands. There are so many amazing, beautiful, interesting people in this world and being non-monogamous means we get a chance to get to know so many more of them more deeply.

My wife gets to be her whole true self and not worry that someone will judge her for how slutty she is with her body or heart. I get to be my whole true self, loving a powerful woman like this, being slutty myself and having the freedom to experience a range of sexuality. We can be fully honest and transparent with each-other, even about the super hot sex she has with other people. This honestly brings us closer and closer each time.

This is part of our life I wish others understood, would be supportive of. When my wife goes out to see a boyfriend or has one over. He is a positive part of our life. They don’t need to understand my kinks and my fetishes.