The Conflicted Cuckold

It has been awhile since I have made an online journal post.

I have been pretty content in life emotionally and sexually. Have had little to write about.

After this post I am going to write fiction stories about things on my wife and my fucket list. A list of all the naughty sexual things we want to do. Maybe I will write about more true experiences too.

A content cuckold differs from a conflicted cuckold.

Through my reading of books on polyamory and open marriages. About 10 books this year so far. I have developed a better understanding of my wife and myself.

We have been in an open marriage for just over 10 years now. I have focused so much on the kink of cuckolding I did not dig deep into my emotions. Sometimes unhealthy, and destructive. Ones that have brought my cuckolding to a quick halt.

For me, cuckolding is a fetish. I have a psychological cuckold need to experience the maximum sexual gratification and, more often than not, to experience an orgasm. Even when I don’t bring it up to my wife during sex, I often have to imagine her being fucked by another man to get off or have her dominate me to get off.

Her being a sex goddess who loves to fuck other men just drives me fucking wild.

I believe she can have loving connections with other men, such as in polyamory, but more so I believe she psychologically needs to fuck other men. Even if she doesn’t know it, a need to cuckold me. I can see it in her orgasms when we play the role.

I was reading a book on comperison. The opposite of jealousy. Instead of feeling upset or threatened when your partner sexually interacts with another person, you feel a sense of happiness for them.

I feel this sense of happiness for my wife. What has also made me more content though is I don’t fully buy into it. I also will always be conflicted sharing my wife. I think that is normal. To feel a full range of emotions about someone you love having sexual relationships with others. I feel cuckold angst. An emotional rollercoaster that turns me on. The key is to understand it and be able to name it and better deal with it.

I feel, if I stopped feeling these emotions fully, I would not be a cuckold. I would not have this deep obsessive love for my wife so much, I want to be sexually submissive to her. To have the willingness to explore my inner demons, fears, desires and this fetish.

I had cuckold angst just two weeks ago. I felt my wife misled me to agree to her going out of town to fuck one of her boyfriends. My emotions triggered. The angst was heavy. I still wanted her to go though, and she did. She was actually going whether I wanted her to, since there was another human involved.

It was not what I had expected from the expectations set by her. In an open marriage, it is very hard though to set expectations and have them fully met.

Leading up to this experience before the trigger was perfect. It fulfilled my sexual needs using the cuckold fetish. Chastity, pegging, making me orgasm in chastity, emasculation, denial and love.

She came home, well fucked, happy, full of two loads of cum.

I licked and sucked her pussy. She shared how she sucked his dick. They had sent me a picture of her on her knees with his cock in his hand. This picture made me desire her more when she got home. It helped control my angst. Did the psychological job.

How he fucked her with his thick, long cock. Thrusting in her, giving her orgasm after orgasm. They laid, cuddled and talked naked in between rounds of heavy pounding of her body.

I did not reclaim her. She made me orgasm, telling me how much better his cock felt.

So I have been content since that afternoon.

The cuckold cravings building already.

Quickly.

I’m dying for her to fuck him again or any other guy.

I have been having detailed dreams of her being penetrated by enormous cock!

Visuals of her pussy stretched and her screaming in pleasure.

Two of the dreams it was him.

One, it was a personal trainer at the gym we go to. One of her friends told her he was great in bed, so it must have ingrained subconsciously into my mind and awoke in a sexual dream of her being fucked by him.

She told me she wants to lock me up in Chastity again.

It is embarrassing and a bit humiliating.

I like the idea.

I often think about her denying me her pussy. It turns me on thinking about the love and attraction I have for her and not being allowed inside her pussy, being denied that right. Her being big cock only. Me being her submissive husband in chastity. Driving my mind mad with sexual desire.

Yesterday, I looked at potential dates for her to see her out-of-town boyfriend again. I shared them with her. Content and conflicted, I want her to cuckold me already again.

Possibly because I just got a tease picture of her sucking cock and I want to see her getting fucked.

Possibly just because I have this fetish.

So she was riding me cowgirl last night. She turned on too by my cravings, her having her own. My cuckold cravings so strong. Thinking about all the men that have fucked her. Her gang-bangs. Thinking how I want her to fuck any man whenever she wants to fulfill her sexual desire for a variety of cock. Thinking about her denying me. I orgasmed.

Later in the night, we were fucking again. Like I said, my cuckold craving strong. Thinking how lucky I am to have such a perfect wife willing to help fulfill both of our needs.

I kind of want to fuck her again before she puts me in chastity. I am craving to fuck her right now.