For the past 10 years I have been in a cuckold relationship. Experiencing what I thought at the time was horrible cuckold angst. Intense and erotic emotional feelings knowing my wife is out being fucked by another man.
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, angst is “a strong feeling of being worried or nervous: a feeling of anxiety about your life situation.”
In these times of angst, time can come to a halt and each minute can feel like hours. It is easy once it starts to cause you to go deeper and deeper into this anxiety hole.
When I think about what I feel when I am having a bout of angst, I can feel insecurity, possessiveness, fear, loneliness, confusion and worry.
At the same time I am still feeling intensely erotic emotions. Fantasizing how my wife is having sex with this other man that gets me so turned on.
These bouts of angst have been challenging for my wife and I as she takes it as me being angry at her. After I come through the darkness of angst into the light, I always fantasize about it, get turned on by what happened during the cuckold session even though at the moment it was so hard. I crave for it to happen again.
The thing is us Cuckolds have given our angst a FREE PASS. This is because we have had these fantasies of our wives fucking other men even before they cuckolded us. We read about cuckolds, as well as hotwife’s. We went onto cuckold forums and cuckold websites.
Cuckold angst is accepted as a normal part of cuckolding and something that gets easier as you go.
Cuckolding is a kink or a fetish. The difference between a kink and a fetish is a kink becomes a fetish when it is viewed as the primary source of sexual pleasure.
What you read about cuckolding on forums and blogs are peoples experiences like here on mine.
What cuckolding truly is, is an open relationship or more so a mono/open relationship where one partner the wife is allowed to have sexual relationships with other men and the husband stays monogamous. When there are more emotional connections it can even lead to a mono/poly relationship. With the kinks or fetishes of humiliation, chastity, sexual denial, and so on included.
Well people in open relationships and polyamorous relationships feel the same emotions that we call Cuckold Angst; insecurity, anger, resentment, distrust, possessiveness, passive aggression, suspicion, fear, loneliness, self-consciousness, suspicion, confusion, guilt, and worry.
The difference is there is A TON of information on it, how to deal and learn from it in a healthy way and not dismiss it as he or I am just having cuckold angst. In these sexual orientations they call it the Green Eye Monster – Jealousy
In fact it is not the cuckolds that have angst. They have bouts of jealousy that cause their wives to have angst. Since these bouts of jealousy typically lead to arguments. The wife has a broad, deep range of emotions.
Surely, there are women who function selfishly without care for their cuckolds or their relationships. Is that self-indulgent behavior healthy? Unlikely. Also unlikely to keep a long term loving relationship thriving.
When I have a bout of jealousy before my wife goes on a date. I know it is hard for her to leave. It increases her angst. After she has been fucked by another guy and comes home to me having a bout of jealousy she may feel insecure about herself, our relationship, our decisions, she might worry I am going to leave her, that she did something wrong. She can become short tempered. This is true angst!
You can be jealous and turned on at the same time. This is what a cuckold is feeling a power exchange has shifted to the wife and there has been a loss of control.
Sigmund Freud had some very useful insights into jealousy and why it can be so overwhelming. These include:
- Grief and loss: fear of losing your relationship
- Fear and sadness that we may not be able to have everything we want in this relationship and that we can not control this situation.
- Hostile feelings towards your “rival,” the person that is fucking your wife and you fear will steal the love of your life away.
- Anger towards yourself for your perceived inadequacies as a husband, and a belief that your “rival” is in fact superior to you, so that you deserve to be abandoned for this person.
Over the 10 years of my wife fucking and also having relationships with other men I have at times felt all of these. I have came though extremely turned on and craving more.
These bouts of jealousy are not healthy though because they give my wife angst. Cause her to reevaluate if she even wants to continue being a hotwife.
The main one I have when my wife forms a relationship and a connection with another man is fear of losing our relationship. As well as fear and sadness that I am not able to have everything I want in this relationship and that I can not control the situation. Both are not rational but I still have these thoughts.
I have never felt anger or hostile feeling toward the other man. I think this is because I am strong minded and agreed to the situation so I put any negative on myself and not the other man.
One of the first nights my wife was ever taken in front of me. I mean really taken. Brought to sexual highs and climaxes I had never seen. Fucked by a strong, dominant man with a HUGE cock. I got scared, and angry with myself for my inadequacies of having such a small penis. I felt she thought he was superior and that she would never come back to me. This was also not rational. It was emotional.
I learned after that night I truly am inadequate in the dick department. It took me years to shed my shame and know these men are not superior to me sexually. Yes, they give my wife something I can not, something amazing. But I also give my wife something amazing sexually that they can not, sharing her (cuckolding), loving and encouraging her, giving her freedom as a woman, and making love to her differently than they do which she absolutely loves.
For the most part jealousy is not rational unless your wife is truly unhappy in your relationship and you are clearly in danger of potentially losing your wife to someone else.
As I have started to read scholarly literature about jealousy, not seeking info about cuckold angst. Articles and books written by doctors who have their PhDs in Psychology I have started to get a better understanding of these strong feelings.
These books include Building Open Relationships, More Than Two, and The Jealousy Workbook.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t like Cuckold Angst. I’d much rather be happy and turned on while my wife is out getting fucked than feeling anxiety and jealousy.
The main things I am afraid of is fear of abandonment. My wife falling in love with another man and leaving me. I’d also add that I have fear of scarcity and deprivation. When I get anxiety when my wife is cuckolding me it can quickly become thinking about her leaving me and me being a lone.
Other fears cuckolds may feel are:
- Losing face and losing status in the community. Someone finding out you are a cuckold or someone seeing your wife out with another man. For me I am to the point I am comfortable if this happens, I still get my anxiety over it but it is something my wife and I have chosen together to be part of our life. Something that makes us both sexually fulfilled and happy. For some reason thought of being outed also turns me on. That is me being turned on by humiliation.
- Competitiveness and fear of our own inadequacy (“I wonder if her new lover is better in bed than me!). He is. That is the point. I can’t speak for all cuckolds but for me this is a thought that turns me on more than giving me anxiety.
- Envy towards our partner’s other partner. I have never felt this, I have felt envy towards my wife and her sexuality. This was a key turning point for me to further explore my own bi-sexuality as well as me being bigender/transgender.
So there are ways of managing jealousy. First is understanding your own jealousy and naming it. You can also set boundaries and guidelines to your relationship that help you feel more safe. For us we don’t have many because my wife doesn’t like to feel confined.
I find I like to have some level of predictability. Not knowing exactly what to expect from my wife creates anxiety and distress. I ask that she tells me before she plays with others even if it is right before. I like for her to text me when she arrives and when she is coming home. I also am not currently comfortable with her sleeping over at a guys house. I’d like to know around what time she will be home although we are negotiating that boundary. These all are helpful with me not falling into bouts of jealousy as I have some predicability set in my mind. I also love check-ins during with pictures or videos but that is not a requirement but a bonus.
When you read about cuckold angst most cuckolds tell you it gets better with time. For the most part that is true. It is the same with being scared of heights then constantly exposing yourself to heights first lower than higher and higher as you are desensitized. There is that danger of going too high to fast though bringing back those fears. It is systematic desensitization to gradually increase your tolerance for the situation that creates, triggers the cuckold angst (jealousy).
So for my example my wife sleeping over. I am currently comfortable with an hour or two, we could gradually add to that building my own comfort level, while still having me turned on while she is out.
Even with angst and jealousy my wife and I have acknowledged that an open relationship is right for us. It fits for us. Going back to monogamy would almost be impossible at this point without more negative effects to our emotions and our love for each-other than working through the hard times that come with an open relationship. Let’s be real all relationships have hard times , tough moments. Communication, Love Honesty and Trust for each-other is the key. Above all constant communication and the willingness to forgive a less than perfect performance as we continue to build our skills dealing with challenges of marriage as a whole.
At the foundation of it all is my deep love for her and her experiences. I like to trust that at her foundation of life is also her love for me.