An instant connection to each other, an immense attraction that was full of adventure. I knew the second I laid eyes on her she would be my wife. The most beautiful woman. The love of my life.
I had loved another girl before. A high-school crush. And had a loving relationship with another girl prior to meeting my wife. I was devastated when I broke up with my high-school crush as well as the girl in my other loving relationship.
I wasn’t looking for a girl when I met my future wife. I had learned to be content and happy on my own without a partner.
I have a vivid memory of my wife and I in bed. Early on when we were dating and exploring each-other. It was the first time I had ever been in her own bed.
She grabbed a bottle of oil and poured it all over us.
Our bodies were lubed and our skin slid against each other. It was erotic, loving, fun and damn sexy. It was at that time the best sex I had ever had with anyone PERIOD.
Ever since I have loved massaging oil onto my wifes skin, sliding my body against hers and hers against mine, feeling each other’s touch and each other’s love.
I had purchased my wife candles for her 40th birthday, about 16 years later from that first night in her bed. I was looking forward to a night of rubbing her body, of making love.
Sometimes though like our oiled bodies life slides in different directions.
We opened our marriage just over 10 years ago. An open marriage. Although we joke ½ open. She does not have the same sexual attraction as I do with her being with other men. She is not okay with me going out and having sex with another woman.
She says she couldn’t handle it if the tables were turned.
Some would think this is selfish, or doesn’t seem equal. I am okay and have been happy with our arrangement.
When we first opened our marriage it was at a swingers resort. It was a powerful experience. I felt proud for her, I liked that I was faithful giving her this sexual gift. I was very content with my decision, I had made it out of love for her as well as the excited, energetic, daring and joyful pleasure it gave me.
I didn’t feel scared of her leaving me, I was confused about my own sexual feelings being turned on by my wife fucking another man but I didn’t feel jelous, guilty, ashamed or insecure. It was actually out of a place of immense confidence in our marriage and her ability to have and enjoy more sexual pleasure and partners safely within our own relationship.
The people she played with that first time were married. She did not know them and there really was not much of a threat.
It was a great experience for me that added to our marriage positively and I wanted more.
We enjoyed swinging for many years. Social sex. We still do.
Sure there were challenging nights, where I would feel threatened by another guy and the pleasure she would receive from him. Bouts of jealousy and fear that maybe she would leave me for a guy like this.
How she would feel if she was on the other side.
I had to understand and learn though it was just sex and sexual pleasure. I had to accept something that I already knew. With other men my wife can feel better sexual pleasure. More intense sex, more intense orgasms. Better sex.
Enjoy all this but without an emotional romantic relationship with them. Casual sex. Not the love that we share. She even told me it was the variety she loved, the feeling of being with different men and experiencing different cocks.
I learned that swinging works for me even if I am not the one swinging.
There is physical intimacy. But the thing with swinging is it often includes me in the experience whether I join in as a threesome or moresome or I watch as a voyeur.
Swinging is “monogamish”
I was also open to my wife having more sexual relationships outside of swinging. With kids swinging is not always easy to both be available and I craved my wife to continue to be able to have that heightened sexaul pleasure.
An open marriage. This is where my cuckold desires, which is more of a fetish take place.
I am turned on by my wife fucking other men.
She has had some great sexual relationships over the years with a few great men that understood the lifestyle. Understood how it got both me and her off. Understood it was just sexual.
She has also had amazing casual sex hook-ups.
In an open relationship you explore sex with others outside of your relationship but reserve emotional and romantic connections for you husband or wife.
Again there have been challenges with this but overall it has been positive with self care for our relationship and ensuring we have time to reconnect with each other after sexual experiences. So not spending the night at the sexual partners’ house and coming home at a reasonable hour for us to reconnect were the boundaries.
The book “More Than Two’s “Polyglossery” defines an open relationship as ‘any relationship that is not sexually monogamous.’ While this may sound quite broad, there are two key factors to focus on here: it specifically centres on one relationship at its core and refers to sex, not love.
The majority of couples in open relationships are happy for their partners to have sex with other people but are usually opposed to them forming any romantic connections outside of the relationship. They are generally sexually open (to varying extents) but romantically exclusive.
I have been reading a lot about polyamory. As I have mentioned in my writing I felt my wife was falling for a guy. I always try my best to sexually understand myself and my wife.
When I asked her if she is falling in love? She did not answer.
She doesn’t know what she is feeling. I can understand this.
She calls it a high school crush.
But what is a high school crush when you are a grown adult with a husband and kids?
I take it as falling head over heels for someone feeling love.
After my conversation I learned my wife likes the connection. She likes more than just having sex. More than casual sex. The relationship dynamic, the intimacy with the other guy.
This is why I quickly started reading books on polyamory. This is what my wife was explaining her wants are. I needed to get ahead and be prepared for this.
Too late, I am already behind.
Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships. Generally speaking people in polyamourous relationships have multiple romantic partners they date and their connection goes beyond the physical. Quite literally, polyamory means “multiple lovers”.
I honestly love the concept of polyamory and love the communication pieces to it that I have read in these books. Living with a mind of abundance not scarcity. That someone has a lot of love to give and can give that love to multiple people without taking away any love.
I actually believe it.
I have two kids. I love them both unconditionally and equally.
I can understand how it makes her feel powerful, joyful, sexy, happy and free.
I want that for her. But I am not there yet.
I am still generally sexually open (to varying extents) but romantically exclusive.
My wife is falling for another man. Her fantasizing about him and her rolling in oil together, sharing the same kind of love and connection as her and I scares the hell out of me!
It makes me more confused because I want to give this to her. I have feelings of being rejected, helpless, insecure, anxious and overwhelmed.
All at a time when I have been trying to shake my own sexual shame.
It makes me a little mad. I feel hurt, selfish, distant and I feel skeptical that having my wife be polyamoris is healthy for her and my own relationship.
I feel very lonely right now. She is having this sexual connection enjoying texting, talking on the phone, having sex and dating. Having this great new relationship energy.
I badly want to show compersion. Her happiness increases mine. Her relationship with this guy is improving her life.
It makes me feel like I should be doing the same thing. Seeking out my own external partner to be with. Not having it as a ½ open relationship anymore. So I am feeling some resentment.
The thing is I do not want to seek out another partner to be emotionally involved with or love. I just feel I need my own connection outside this relationship.
I can understand we can love in many ways. I can see how beautiful it is to be able to love more than one person equally. Shouldn’t I be able to do that to then?
I guess though I am sold on one part of monogamy – One True Love.
Because my wife is the love of my life, that goes way beyond anything sexually. I will be there for her no matter what until death do us part. Through the good the bad. I want to be there for her as her husband, the father of her kids, emotionally and romantically. I know I can’t give her everything sexually but I thought I could give her everything she needed romantically.
I am not saying she can not have this with other people. If that is what she truly wants I want to give it to her. I need to find joy in her happiness falling for another man, it has to come from a place outside of sexual turn on though.
I am selfish. When she fantasizes about rolling around in a bed covered in oil making love. I want that fantasy to include me.
I am once again full of insecurities.
As she runs forward fast with this relationship I am trying to find understanding and acceptance. How to be here for her but also be here for myself content and happy.
This is the life of a cuckold.