No More Sexual Shame

I was at a swingers resort with my wife for a few days early this month. A relaxing get away, away from our kids, in the sun, time by the pool and playful hot sex with others. 

We go to these swingers resorts and clubs to enjoy our time together as a loving married couple as well as to let my wife let loose sexually and experience sex with other men and women in an uninhibited environment. 

They are always a lot of fun!

Yes sometimes I join in but most of my pleasure has come from hers. 

We learned early to communicate our desires. We didn’t consider our own selves as swingers but a hotwife, cuckold couple enjoying the swinger lifestyle. 

This is where identities and titles become complicated. Where we really should try to avoid them and just embrace our sexual pleasures.  

Of course we are swingers, at least when we are at swinger parties and resorts. We are not casual observers but active participants. No matter how we play, we do play. 

This last trip was different. I was a little more open to others about myself. About liking to be submissive, enjoying being a voyeur, watching my wife and the other couples. I even admitted to several I was bi-sexual, told one pretty woman I wear panties everyday. 

I have a hard time getting erect at these types of functions. I am too much in my head. I have been living a life of sexual shame and after this vacation realized it needs to stop. 

When women flirt with me at these events, it feels great to be desired. My wife likes this part as well being desired by others helps build her confidence, makes her feel good about herself and her body. It is a positive experience. 

Because of my feelings of sexual inadequacy I get stuck. 

Stuck in my head. 

So there I was by the hottub, a beautiful woman kissing me, whispering in my ear that she could see me, as she grasped her friend’s head below holding her on my cock deep in her mouth. It was hard, the woman kissing me knew she needed to get me out of my head for it to work. For me to enjoy myself. She was successful. It felt great, fuck what man would not love two woman at once desiring them sexually and wanting to play with them sexually?

It builds confidence, makes you feel good about yourself and your body. 

The fact is I am strong, I am not inadequate, I can give my wife as well as others a lot of enjoyable pleasure. 

Over the years I have built a wall around my sexual shame. Thinking it was okay for me to feel angst, humiliation, inadequacy. 

My wife never liked the term cuckold. She preferred Hotwife. She is hot! Very hot! But what did that make me? 

A man that gets off on his wife being with other men. Flirting, kissing, fucking and being disired by other men. What kind of fucked up man gets off on that? 

Me. 

Many other men too I have learned over the past 10 years. 

There should be no shame in that, you should not feel humiliation because of that, you should not feel inadequate because of that. 

I have built my outside life around strength. I’m a strong man, athletically, intellectually, as a father, a husband, a lover. 

On the inside I have been weak and inadequate. 

I like my wife to fuck other men, so I must be a pethetic cuckold.

I am sexually submissive. I like to suck cock and get fucked by other guys, I also like to fuck women. I am not gay I am bi-sexual or sexual fluid, I honestly just love sex period.

I love my wife, she is the hottest person I have ever laid eyes on. She is my world.

She supports me and is there for me 100%.

So when she found out I was a closet crossdresser, when she had feelings I may have gender dysphoria. She was supportive. Encouraged me to explore this side of myself. Encouraged me to dress in womens clothes not just at home but a little outside of the house. Taught me how to do make-up encouraged and supported me removing my body hair. Encouraged me to embrace my feminine self. Showed me love and support for all things I love to do that society sees as something only a female would enjoy.  Still encouraging. 

There was shame though. 

A closeted crossdresser since I was a kid. 

Desires to be fucked like a woman by both men and women. 

Secret acts of homsexuality in my early life. 

Living vicariously through my wife’s sexaul affairs. 

Feelings of angst, humiliation, fear, inadequacy. 

So I must be a Sissy!!!!!  

When I was a kid we called men like this a sissy faggot. I was even called it as a kid.  The words’ very roots are homophobia and sexism. A sissy is a boy or man who violates or does not meet the standard male gender role. 

I am a hot fucking girl when i’m dressed up! Look at the picture in this post. 

As I mentioned in the beginning I have built my life around being strong. 

Then why would I identify myself as a cuckold sissy? 

It turns out this last trip to the swingers club was eye opening. I felt ashamed internally but I also felt ready to be myself sexully. 

Yes I’m bisexual, sexually fluid.

Yes, I love to dress up like a girl, it feels hot, it feels natural and right. It comforts me. I like to wear panties and bras under my mens clothes, I like to go out for a run in lululemon short shorts or women leggings, I like to fully dress at home and as much as safely possible outside of the home. 

Yes, I have a small dick but I am also very skilled sexually in other ways. 

Yes I sometimes feel like I’d rather be a girl than a man, BUT I don’t abandon my life responsibilities and unless you are an asshole we know women are just as equal as men on all fronts, I would argue in many ways women are superior. 

Yes, I love my wife fucking other men as long as it is something we share together and get pleasure from together. She is not cheating on me. She is herself sexual, she loves sexual variety and feeling desired. 

Yes, I too like to be desired. I like when both men or women look at me. Check me out. It makes me feel good about myself and it should. 

Yes I like sexual kinks. I like sexual teasing, submissive play, chastity, and pleasuring my sexed up wife. 

No, I don’t like to feel angst. It is working through angst where the sexual excitement, desire and pleasure are, not in the angst itself. 

No, I don’t like to feel humiliation. 

No, I don’t like my wife in intimate relationships with other men. I like her in an intimate honest relationship with me, enjoying sexual experiences, adventure and feeling desired by other men. 

No I don’t like to feel sexual shame or guilt about my sexual desires, sexuality, identity. 

I love to learn and grow. I have learned I need to rid myself of sexual shame. It starts here in this post. I need to be proud of who I am on the inside and out, in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom.

I am not a sissy. 

I am not cuckold. 

What am I? A loving sexual creature :). Maybe I just need to learn to drop labels and identities.

I still have a lot to figure out to truly be myself. It is time to start to leave my shame in the past.